


It All Started With A Shoutout

by icantdoanythingwrite



Category: PewDiePie - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF, jacksepticeye, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, felix is huge youtuber, jack is smol youtuber, mark is big youtuber
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-07 20:33:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14089110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icantdoanythingwrite/pseuds/icantdoanythingwrite
Summary: ❝I'm not gay.❞❝Mark, I'm your boyfriend.❞; in which Mark is a huge YouTuber and Jack peaks his interest





	1. DISCLAIMER

**DO _NOT_ force ships on people, whether in the comments of a youtube video or real life, let people have the freedom to ship whomever they want.**

**DO _NOT_ harass anyone mentioned in this book–or anyone for that matter.**

**Everything in this book is pure _FICTION_ , created by yours truly. I am not saying that any of this is real, please please please _BE RESPECTFUL_. To Tyler. To Ethan. To Mark. To Jack. To Wiishu. To Felix. To Ken. To Marzia. To Amy. To fellow shippers/readers. To me.**

**d o n t  b e  a n  a s s h o l e**


	2. @Markiplier

_**❝How much I want to fuck Markiplier.❞** _

 

**Jack**

I excitedly click on the YouTube notification. The screen shines white as the YouTube logo shines in the center. My eyes quickly adjust to the increase of brightness as the video of Mark starts to load. "To thank you guys for twelve million subscribers I'm hosting a shout out competition. Just to thank you for being an awesome fan, and an awesome part of this community."

My heartbeat sped up. What if he chooses me? What if I become a popular YouTuber? "Yeah, like that'd happen," I mumble aloud, running my hand through my tangled locks.

"All you have to do is make a video of yourself saying how much you love me," Mark says, holding his thumb up. "I dunno, just like smile and be yourself." He says, biting the inside of his cheek. "So... yeah." He clicks his tongue before the video ends.

I laugh at his (cute) awkwardness.  _What a dork._

I click my phone's power button and throw it onto the bed beside me. The black swivel chair creaks as I stand to hook up my microphone and camcorder. I fix my beanie and roll the sleeves of my jacket down, before turning on the camera. "Top of the morning to ya, laddies." I smile, looking down. "My name is Jacksepticeye and this is a video about how much I want to fuck Markiplier."

My face remains serious before I laugh, blushing.

"Um, this is my video for the shout out thingy for Markiplier. Um, so I'm going to start with how much I love Mark." I close my eyes and think back to the day I subscribed to him. "I subscribed back in twenty-thirteen. I was kind of upset because my friend knew him before I did, but that doesn't matter because Mark is mine. Sorry, fangirls."

I adjust my beanie and push my hair from my eyes.

"Plus, I dyed my hair for him." I roll my sleeves so the bottoms are covering my hands. "His hair is pink and mine's green. We're like Cosmo and Wanda." I smile, looking into the camera. "Two halves of a whole idiot."

I bite my lip, desperately trying to hide my blush and swallow my schoolgirl giggle. I wrap my hands around my neck and readjust the collar of my red shirt.

"Um, I was told to smile," I say, letting off a closed-mouth smile. "Hang on wait, I can do better." I pull out my phone and look at my wallpaper of Mark, letting out a bigger smile than I was initially trying to.

My happiness soon vanishes. I swallow and look into the camera.

"Like Ma-ark's ever going to watch this video... well, it was worth a shot." I bite my lip again. "Well, anyway. Thank you so much for watching if you liked this video punch that like button in the face, like a boss! And..." I lower my face to my microphone, "high fives all around. Wapish! Wapish! And I'll see all you dudes, in the next video!" I look into the camera. "But, yeah. Mark should just bone me already." I smile, before laughing.

I plug my camera into my computer and edit my outro into the video, not even bothering to edit any of it. I want it to look real, like me.

And I'm not edited.

 

My phone buzzes and I quickly unlock it. "I'm on Omegle, under the tag #Markimoo" Mark tweeted.

I scrambled for my laptop and typed in Omegle. I put my likes as 'Markimoo', 'Markiplier' and 'Mark'.

I grab my camera and my microphone and set them up. "Top of the morning to ya, laddies. My name is Jacksepticeye and I am currently trying to find Markiplier so I can confess my love for him and then we can get married. Yay!"

A few fans flashed across the screen with disappointed faces.

A lady pops onto the screen. "Hello," I say, waving at the screen. She rolls her eyes before ending the chat. I look into the camera, huffing. "Rude."

A few more faces flash by and then a guy pops up with a mask on. "No, no, no, I've seen this shit before. You will not stab me in the butt, goodbye."

I click off the chat and look into the camera with an awkward face. I cycle through a few tens? hundreds? of fans before my eyes begin to get heavy and my coffee starts to get cold.

"I don't think I'm going to be seeing Mark in this video, sadly." I give the camera a quick smile. "I'll do the sendoff later," I say, before turning off the camera, sullenly.

I drag my mouse to red 'x' button in the right hand corner, before the entire screen turns white, temporarily blinding me.

I quickly throw my hands over my face. "Dude, what the hell? It's like 2 a.m."

"Actually it's about seven here," a deep voice says back, my wifi being shit and making it sound distorted. My eyes hurt so much I didn't pay any attention to who I was being an asshole to.

"Well, holy fuck it's still bright as shit."

"Here, hang on." The brightness soon disappears and the air is filled with the squeaking of a chair. "Better?"

"God dammit, dude. Yeah, that's bett-" My breath gets caught in my throat. "M-Mark?"

Mark breaks out into a smile. "Hi."

"I-I, um...hi."

"What's up?"

"My dick right now," I say. Mark's eyes widen. "I m-mean." I feel my cheeks heat up and Mark laughs at me.

"That was cute."

"My boner?"

"No... just, you," Mark says, awkwardly. He scratches the back of his neck, pink hair falling into his eyes.

"Mark just called me cute, Mark just called me cute," I repeat. "Ma, are you proud of me?" I yell.

Mark puts his hands over his ears. "You still live with your mom?" I blush a little, not realizing how loud I actually was.

"No... it's just, something I do," Mark looks at me, a mix of amusement and bewildered plastered on his face. "I'm a YouTuber... well, I mean, I don't really have anybody that watches my videos but... yeah."

"Oh, what's your YouTube account?" Mark asks, his rich, deep voice causing my knees to feel weak and my face to burn.

"J-Jacksepticeye." Mark smiles, before typing on his keyboard.

"There you go." My phone buzzes and a notification pops up.

Markiplier subscribed to me. "Thank you so much. I love you."

Mark smiles as a tiny shade of pink tints his cheeks. "I love you, too."

My smile widens and I feel like I'm dreaming. "I swear to god if I wake up I will lit'rally cry."

Mark laughs and I could feel my heart swell in my chest. "You made a shout out video?" Forget what I said about my heart swelling, because I don't think it can if it stops.

"N-no, what? That's not me." Mark just looks at me and smirks, before clicking onto the video.

"Top of the morning to ya, laddies," I hear myself say.

"This looks like you, Jack," Mark says, and the way my name rolls of his tongue with ease made my heart come back to life, beating rapidly, causing me to choke on my own spit.

"Mark," I say quietly. He doesn't look up. "Mark," I say, causing him to jump in his chair. "Stop, don't watch it."

"Why? Do you confess your undying love for me?" He un-pauses the video.

"My name is Jacksepticeye and this is a video about how much I want to fuck Markiplier." I place my face into my hands. Please, find it as a joke. Please don't find me creepy.

I remove my hands to see Mark staring at me with wide eyes. "I-" His mouth opens, trying to say something. I hear my laugh and my face was redder than it was in the video.

"Um, this is my video for the shout out thingy for Markiplier. Um, so I'm going to start with how much I love Mark. I subscribed back in twenty-thirteen. I was kind of upset because my friend knew him before I did, but that doesn't matter because Mark is mine. Sorry, fangirls."

I could feel myself tense up, not daring to look up from my lap. Why are you so stupid, Sean?

"Plus, I dyed my hair for him." I ran a hand through my hair, cursing under my breath. How is this fucking happening? I should have never fucking made that video. "His hair is pink and mine's green. We're like Cosmo and Wanda."

I beg my past self to shut up, even though I knew I had no power to control what's already been done. I could delete the video. "Two halves of a whole idiot."

I bit my lower lip, debating if this was a good enough reason to curl up in a ball and cry. I hear Mark 'aw' and I look up slightly to see him looking at me on Omegle, before glancing over at me on his phone.

"Um, I was told to smile... hang on wait, I can do better."

"What's your wallpaper, Jack?" I push the home button and the photo of Mark with pink hair pops up on the screen and I push it up to the camera, waiting for it to focus. I see Mark smiling; his cheeks tainted a pink darker than his wild floof.

Mark's face slowly turns into a slight frown. "Like Mark's ever going to watch this video...well, it was worth a shot." Mark looks into the camera with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, anyway. Thank you so much for watching if you liked this video punch that like button in the face, like a boss! And." I never realized how deep my voice had gone. "High fives all around, Wapish! Wapish! And I'll see all you dudes, in the next video!"

I hear my outro and I see Mark's eyes, bulging. At first I thought that maybe because of the voice change but then I realize the whole video should have made him like this.

_Uncomfortable._

He doesn't click off of the video, even though the outro was going. I thought back to what I said after my outro. My cheeks flare as I hear my voice again.

"But, yeah. Mark should just bone me already." Mark's cheeks were red and he was trying to hide his blush.

"M-Mark," I say, quietly, debating if I want him to hear me. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Mark asks, looking at me in disbelief. "After that I'd be happy to bone you." My face drains of color, but I could feel my cheeks heat up to an unwanted temperature.

My phone dings. 'Markiplier liked your video'.

"And by the way," Mark says, bringing his microphone closer to his lips. "I bitch slapped that like button, sorry babe."

I put my face in to my hands that were covered in my sweater sleeves. I'm glad I'm not a girl, or I'd have a slight need to change my underwear. "Ma-ark," I say, my voice muffled by the fabric.

"What was that baby? I didn't hear you." I can literally hear the smirk in his voice and I want to wipe that smug grin off his face so badly right now. Preferably with my mouth, but that's just me.

"A-are you still recording?" I ask, as I see his cheeks darken a bit. "Because, this is a lot of flirting to edit out."

"Then it's a good thing I'm keeping it in." Mark laughs at my face and I look into the little box at my face to see I'm whiter than normal.

"Fuck me up a damn wall," I say, running my hand down my face.

"Okay," he whispers back, huskily.

"I might just hold you to that, Markimoo."

"I hope you do, Jackaboy." He smirks and my breath hitches.

"I-I think it's time to do your outro," I say, desperately.

"Thank you everyone so much for watching, and as always I'll see you in the next video. Bye bye!" Mark turns off his camera. He turns to me. "Are you always this blushy?"

"Only when I'm around really hot guys," I say, trying to not be heard by him.

I look up to see if he has heard my remark. His eyes show me he has and wasn't expecting that answer. "My volume is all the way up."

"Fuck me," I groan, half expecting him to say something like, "Okay" or "In a minute, babe." But, he stays silent. "You okay, Markimoo?"

He inhales harshly. "I'm not gay," he says, not sounding very convincing.

"Are you sure, we were literally j-"

"I'm not," he says, and I hear the words echo through my mind. "I-I'm just confused."

"Mark."

"Yeah, I'm just confused and I don't know what I'm saying right now." He runs a hand through his pink locks.

"It's okay to be a little... indecisive. But, you don't have to understand your feelings to feel them." I bite my lip and he screws his eyes shut.

"Can you not do that," Mark says, sounding defeated.

"Do what?" I ask, releasing my lip from underneath my teeth.

"Be so damn attractive. I honestly... I'm sorry Jack." He looks down and fidgets with his hands. I go to the chat and type in 'Jacksepticeye'.

"Skype me," I say, before stopping the chat. My computer dings with a contact request from "Markimoo" and I quickly accept, setting his contact on 'auto-pickup'. I didn't expect him to call me right after so I edited the video I just recorded and grabbed my camera to record the last part.

"Hi, um, so after I turned off the fucking camera I met Mark, like Markiplier. Uh, we talked for a bit, it was, it-it was nice, actually. He saw my video of how much I wanted to ride him like a horse."

I slap my hands over my face, my sleeves hanging off of my fingers. My body was shaking with laughter. It slowly dies down and I look solemnly into the camera.

"But, sadly, he's not into, ya' know, dick," I say, tugging at my bottom lip with my tooth. "He should be on my dick, but... it's whatever. You can't force a sexuality, trust me. Girls have cooties."

I wink into the camera.

"Thank you so much for watching if you liked this video, punch that like button in the face, like a boss. And, high fives all around! Wapish, Wapish! I'll see all you dudes, in the next video." I smirk before thinking of the end scene. "And as always I'll see Mark in my dreams, bye bye."

I stop recording on my camera and send it over to my computer before editing the Omegle video, adding my video I just finished and my outro. I post it onto YouTube and I hear a notification go off. I look over at my phone to see Mark's face staring at me.

"H-how long have you been there?" I ask, trying to hide my embarrassment.

"Um, I believe your exact words were 'How much I want to ride him like a horse'." He smirks.

"Giddy-up."

"By the way, how did you not know I was here if you accepted the call?" My cheeks were burning.

"I have it on auto-pickup." I look down, playing with my fingers in my lap, making a reminder to change that.

"So, you're gay?" Mark asks. I look away, blushing. Usually, I would own up to my sexuality, but Mark made me feel—almost ashamed. "Hey, I'm not judging."

I smile up at him, before returning my gaze to my lap.

"I mean you want to ride me like a horse, so I hope you're gay," Mark says, laughing lightly.

"It's about three; I think I'm going to go get some sleep. Talk tomorrow? Or don't, it's your choice," I say, shrugging. Why am I acting like this? Did I seriously think we were going to start dating when we first met?!

"You live in Ireland, right?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Because if it's three there and eight here that would be Ireland time zone," Mark says.

"Ooh, you're so smart," I say, smiling a bit, before playfully rolling my eyes.

"Hey, I have a cousin out there, what's your address, maybe they live close." I debate on giving it to him, but decide to anyway, what's the harm, right?  _Markiplier_  having my address was no harm towards me.

He smiles, before typing his number in the chat. "I can Skype tomorrow, but I might be busy. So text me, I enjoy talking to you."


	3. Home of Sexual

_❝ **I might be a little gay.** ❞_

 

I pull my sleeves down, protecting myself from the wind. The bitterness of the cold nips at my nose as I make my way to the last class of the day. Today was only a half day so I would be getting out at ten, instead of two.

My phone dings and I look down to see Mark had messaged me through Skype.

**Markimoo:**

**It's 5, I miss your annoying ass.**

**Jackaboy:**

**It's only 9 here, sorry.**   
**And I know you miss my ass (;**

**Markimoo:**

**Skype?**

I bite my lip. Ditch for Mark? Why am I even  _thinking_  about ditching?

**Jackaboy:**

**Yeah, gimme a sec**

"Sean," I hear someone call out to me. "Aren't you supposed to be in the auditorium? You have that big play in a month." Mrs. Horan says, with a cheeky smile on her face. "How could you forget, you're the star of the show, Mr. Montague."

I could tell Mrs. Horan was feigning interest in the 'Romeo and Juliet' production. I let out a heavy sigh. "They're setting up the first half of the props today, didn't need my help with that or the scenery. I left my script at home, so I'm just gonna go and practice my lines a bit more."

She eyes me, before allowing herself to believe my bullshit—or tolerate it. "Okay, have a safe trip home." I nodded before untangling my earbuds and plugging them into my phone.

"Mother of fuck," I say, Mark's eyes meeting mine.

"I thought you took me off auto-pick up," Mark says, smirking. I run my hand through my green hair, untangling some of the locks from each other.

"I did too," I mumble, crossing the dead street. "I guess we're both wrong."

"Oh, don't look so down... Sean," Mark says. I was paying attention for drunk drivers that I didn't see the smirk on his lips, but I sure as hell heard it.

I look dead in the camera. "Don't call me with that," I growl. His eyes widen a bit, before he shifts in his seat.

"W-Why not?" Mark asks, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Why does it matter?" I ask, glaring into space.

"I just want to know what to scream when you're riding me like a horse." I inhale sharply, trying not to choke on the intake of air.

"I was thinking 'Daddy'." The blush I forced down soon took over Mark's tan face.

"That's a little kinky, father." I send him a wink, laughing. All those years in Drama were  _finally_  paying off. "You're not one of those people with like Daddy kinks and bondage, right?"

"I don't know, why don't you come find out?" I push my keys into the doorknob and kick open my door.

"Maybe I should, I mean I do have your address," Mark says, I scoff at him.

"If you're planning on paying a thousand dollars to get here, be my guest." I swing the door shut and walk into my kitchen, propping up my phone on the marble counter and grab a glass.

"Okay," Mark says, and I look at his screen, laughing. I pour myself a glass of orange juice into it. "When's the play, Romeo?"

"I thought we settled on Daddy?" I ask, leaning against the fridge, looking down at my phone sitting on the counter with my leg crossed over the other.

Mark rolls his eyes. "Okay," he says bringing his lips closer to the computer the way I do in my outro. "Daddy."

My eyes widen and I nearly spit out my drink. Mark laughs at my reaction and I slide off of the counter, busying myself with the contents of the fridge.

I close the door and rest my forehead against the cool metal. "C'mon Jack, I'm just messing with you," Mark says, his chair squeaking, making me turn around. He was standing up and reaching behind his computer.

"What are you doing?" I ask, looking at my screen in curiosity. He comes back into view with a beanie on and his glasses off, causing him to blink a bit. "Seriously?" I ask, playfully rolling my eyes at him.

"What? Maybe I like looking good," he says, biting his lip.

"Oh, please," I say, eyes trained on his bottom lip. He notices and bites down harder. "Y-You always do." Mark rolls his eyes as his cheeks turn pink. "Red suits you," I say, cockily.

Mark's eyes lit up. "Hang on, I'll be right back." The call disconnected and I was left with the white screen of the Skype app.

I pick up my phone and my juice and decided to go edit up a bit of my video. I soon get tired of my own voice and put my phone on shuffle.

"I start to part to halves of my heart and I." Blasphemy by Tyler Joseph blares through my phone. I let it play in the background as I edit out some parts where I let out a disgusting laugh or get off topic. I roll my eyes as I did my outro.

"Why do people even fucking watch me?" I finish up my editing and start working on my thumbnail. The thumbnail took me twenty minutes and a lot of colorful words. I realized that 'Drown' by Tyler Joseph was playing and I was subconsciously belting out the lyrics.

I pull up Skype on my computer to see if Mark had sent me a message but the only thing it read was "Call, 26 min 47s"

I open up Steam and see if any new games had released. "Incorrect password?" I typed in 'Markiplier' again. "No, are you fucking kidding me?" I place my head into my desk. "Someone hacked me?" I throw myself back in my chair.

I guess if your password is Mark, people start to catch on.

I shake my head and call one of my friends. Felix picks up and I hear him yell something in Swedish. "How's it going, bro?! Long time, no hear."

"Yeah, we need to hang out soon, really soon actually. Um, I have a favor to ask you," I say clicking on the "forgot password" link and put the phone down on my desk, turning it on speaker.

"Did someone hack you again?" A blush coats my cheeks and I bite my lip, nervously. Felix lets out a sigh. "Alright, send the email." I enter my username and email.

"Thank you so much, Fe," I say as I hear his nails tapping on his laptop. "I love you, you're a life saver."

"Hey, save all your 'I love you's for Mark, k?" I laugh, half-heartedly. "What was that? You don't laugh like that." I let out a laugh, trying to make it sound like I usually do. "Jack...I know you better than anyone, what's wrong?"

"I guess I expected it to be different. I mean, I didn't think we'd get married and have babies, but I guess I hoped he wouldn't see me as just another fan, you know." I run a hand down my face. "Wow, that was fucking stupid, I'm just gonna shut up now." My accent got thicker and I could feel myself about to cry.

"Hey, hey, calm down," Felix says and I can hear him trying to comfort me. "Rant if you need to."

"Like, he just means the absolute world to me and I've only ever seen him behind a screen so it sounds stupid that I have these feelings," I say. I can feel my voice crack. I shake my head, scrunching my face into a scowl. "But, I do. And just, I love him so much and, and I don't know. I'm just really stupid, forget it."

There was a silence before Felix lets out a long sigh. "I love you, too." I let out an unexpected laugh. "There it is," he whispers. I hear him typing something. "Your password is 'I love Felix', no spaces, no uppercase."

I roll my eyes, wiping the fresh tears off my face with my sleeves. "I love you, bro, see you later. Night." My phone buzzes and I look down to see '57 notifications from YouTube'. "Woah," I whisper.

"Night, Jackaboy," he says, hanging up on me. I let out a sigh and lean forward. I open up Steam and type in my password. Hearing the squeaking of a chair makes my hands stop and my breathing cut.

"That wasn't me, was it?" I move back in my chair but there was no sound that came from it. "I'm going crazy." I laugh nervously, flicking my eyes between rows of games. I click off of Steam when I didn't find anything worthwhile on there.

I nearly fell out of my chair when Mark's face pops up. "Jesus fucking Christ. What kind of fucking bullshit is this? I turned the damn auto-pick up off!" I yell, my Irish accent thickening, my hands fly to my mouse going to the Skype settings.

"Jack, calm down. It's not like you didn't want to see me," he says, looking at me. I resist myself from rolling my eyes as I send him a small glare. This Skype auto-pickup bullshit is really getting on my nerves. "You know PewDiePie?"

"Yeah, I know Felix, and no I'm not going to ask for a fucking shoutout because I don't need a pity one from him." I cross my arms, double checking to see that my sleeves were rolled down. I haven't relapsed in a while **~~(~~ ha ha ~~, the writer has)~~** , but I don't want Mark knowing that I used to self-harm. My jaw set and I was too mad to rationalize why I was mad.

"Hey, calm down. I-I understand, plus I already kind of gave you one." My phone buzzes again and I feel embarrassment wash over me. I click off of the settings, deciding to change it later.

I click onto YouTube and my eyes bulge. "I have two million subscribers? This morning I barely had fifteen hundred!" Mark smiles and I feel tears well up in my eyes. I pull up Mark's video and press play, not even worrying about changing the quality.

"Hello everybody, my name is Markiplier and recently I hit twelve million subscribers, so I decided that a way to give back would be to share my community with others so I hosted a shout out competition type thing. Um, at first it was going to be four or five, but I decided that this one really takes the cake."

The video of me pops up and my eyes race around the screen. "Wait, I-I won?" I ask, completely baffled that Markiplier, himself was seeing my reaction.

"Y-Yeah," Mark says, mocking my reaction. I squeal a little and I look to my left monitor to see Mark smiling at me. Biting my lip, I pull my arms to my face, making sure not to reveal my damaged skin. My eyes drift to my second screen, studying Mark's face.

"Anyway... his name is 'Jacksepticeye' and he's actually really cool, and he's number one on my friends list right now." My eyes gloss over and I try to hide it from him.

"Aw-w," he says and I can feel myself crying from the excitement I was experiencing.

"And, just to clarify he is not just a fan, he is a soon to be boyfriend of mine." I let out a bigger squeal than intended. I cover my face with my hands, peeking through the slits in my fingers. Mark sits up in his chair a bit. "That's also another thing... I might be a little gay."

My eyes widen as I stare at Mark on the Skype call.

"No, scratch that. I am gay, maybe not fully. But, I am. Uh... so, yeah. Check out my boyfriend, he's really cool. Um, thank you guys so much for every single thing you've done. This community is the absolute best, and as always I'll see you, in the next video. Buh-bye." I wipe away my tears as I reach for my mouse, preparing to close the window.

"Wait!" Mark says, causing me to jump. "Sorry, there's more." I look away sheepishly, watching Mark's outro for a few seconds.

"Jack's mine. Step off." I roll my eyes before liking the video and exiting out of the browser. I close my eyes, wiping the tiredness—and tears—from my eyes. I swing my arm down, hitting the desk. My eyes shoot open as I feel the blood trickling down my wrists.


	4. Disasterology

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
> self harm
> 
> proceed with caution  
> I love you.

❝ ** _Jack, you know I love you, right?_** ❞

 

Before Mark could ask for an explanation, I quickly ended the call. Skidding the chair backwards, I clutch my bleeding arm, wincing at the self-inflicted pain. Harshly cursing myself, I find my way into the bathroom shuffling through the cabinet for some bandages.

In the back of my mind, I knew I should have told Mark, but it wasn't like he hadn't heard the sob story before.

_'No one loves me because I'm pathetic, so I wallow in self-pity and numb the pain by hurting myself. '_

_'You're the only reason I'm alive and I honestly hate you for that.'_

I place my head in my hands, my ears blocking out the sound. I can't give in to the demons in my damaged mind. I drop the bandages in my hand and pick up the box tucked away in the bathroom cabinet.

My fingers finally find what I was looking for, my cold blades. My mind swarms with thoughts, as my vision blurs. The pain of the sharp blade makes my breathing pick up.

The blood drips from the wounds, swirling around my arm and meeting at my wrists, forming a bigger red teardrop, before plummeting into my sink.

I look down at my pale arm, the white skin peeking out behind the harm I've caused.

"Shit!" I scramble to pick up the toilet paper behind me, roughly wiping off the blood. I turn the faucet on, pushing my arm into the cool water. Biting my tongue to stifle the yelps of pain, I wipe off the reddish water with the towel I discarded on the floor earlier today. I throw the red stained washcloth into the trash bin, making a mental note to take it out later.

I stare down at the red lines that carry the hurt and destruction into my arms. Some were bumps on my skin tainted a light, almost pink colour and some were gashes filled with the dry red liquid. Some were deeper than others, and some merely scratched my delicate pale skin. The scars crawl up my arm and stop just before the place where my elbow bends.

I close the bathroom door, walking to the next room to find something to eat. Although I wasn't anorexic, I was just never really up for food. Maybe a snack here and there, but never a full fletched meal.

My mum offered to take me for some food, but I declined; knowing that the money wouldn't be well spent. She ended up going grocery shopping for me, though. The bags were still on the counter, the contents almost spilling out of the paper bags.

_Maybe a salad?_

My stomach growls and I know I want food; I just don't want to be fat. I've already lost twenty pounds just from barely eating! Imagine if I cut myself from food completely. I knew I couldn't do that, that'd be too much for my fat ass to handle.

The jingle to Skype rings through my ears as I step away from the refrigerator. Reaching my room, I sit down at my computer and press the answer button. Felix's face pop onto the screen. "Jack," he says. "You know I love you, right?"

I take a breath in. "Yeah, I guess." Felix's blue eyes deepen with sadness. I shy away from his gaze.

"Jack," he says. "Jack listen to me." I look up and notice that he's not on his laptop like usual, but instead using his phone. The setting behind him was dark.

"Where are you?" I ask. He looks at the street sign behind him. "Broadway" and "Holtman", it read. I sit up straighter. "Ar-are you in Ireland?" I was halfway ecstatic, halfway panicking.

He looks down at his phone and then adjusts the angle to where it's level with his smiling face. "Yeah... you won't believe how many people have noticed me so far." He mutters something in Swedish that I couldn't quite decipher.

"You are, ya know... PewDiePie," I say. He gives me a playful glare. "A-are you coming to visit me?" I ask, meaning it as a joke, but secretly wanting him to be with me.

"No, I came all the way out here for Nogla... of course, I'm coming to see you." A small hint of something dazzled in his eyes but it was hard to pinpoint given the quality of the Skype call.

A small blush coats my cheeks as I try to hide my face behind my sleeves. His smile grows as he basically coos at me. The phone shifts a little as if Felix was holding it too tightly, and his face lights up with a quick flash from, assumingly, his phone.

"You're so damn cute, little bean." I let out a small groan, shoving my face into my sleeves more, trying to hide my embarrassment in the fabric. "I'll be at your house in five, so be ready for me. I'm really in the need for a Jackaboy hug, so..."

I move my hands down, slightly revealing my eyes. "Don't worry, Felix. I know how fucking impatient you are." My voice comes out muffled, but I knew he understood me by the small blush on his cheeks.

"Not impatient, just excited," he says, looking away from the camera. I make a small 'aw' noise as his cheeks continue to become redder.

"Excited to see me? I better get a kiss from you, then." I wink at him. "Speaking of, how's Marzia?" A glint of sadness flashes in his eyes before it's gone with a blink of his eye.

"We, uh, we're... we're on a break. She's kind of exploring with her sexuality and is dating this really nice girl from Campus. And I'm trying to find a boyfriend, so." His words come out jumbled, almost as if he didn't want me to understand.

"Well that's great," I say, smiling. He smirks, opening his mouth to say something. "N-Not the 'you guys on a break' thing, the 'you realizing how gay you are' thing."

"Like  _you_  knew I was ga-"

"You remember the New Years Eve party? Where we all drank like six pints of bourbon? Yeah, you're a lightweight and was drunk two shots in and then you took me upstairs and we almost had sex, so yes, Felix, I knew you were gay. Or bi?" He blushes again, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Sorry about that.. and pansexual, actually more into girls I think, but I wouldn't mind dating a boy, and Jack?" I hum in response. "Don't ever let me pressure you into anything."

"Of course, Fe. Don't worry about it. I trust you, so you wouldn't be forcing me into anything in the first place." A look of relief washes over his face as he tries to hide his small smile. "I love you, Felix."

"I love you too, Jack." Because friends can love friends.

Platonically.

"I'm... on your street, I believe. You live in the Eastwood neighborhood, right?" I give him a simple 'mhm' in response.

A small buzz is heard from downstairs. "Yeah, that's the right apartment, come on up." His phone shakes slightly and he starts to jog up the stairs. "Eager, are we?"

"Get your ass downstairs and embrace me." I chuckle, lightly. Genuinely feeling happy because of him.

"Okay, be right there, Fe," I say, hanging up the Skype call. Disconnecting the call took me back to my Skype messages.

Still no messages from Mark. Maybe this was a one-time thing and he really doesn't like me.

There was a knock at the front door, causing me to wake up from my thoughts. I quickly run downstairs, remembering that Felix was coming over.

I open the door, resulting in Felix literally jumping into my arms. His hugs were always so tight and I honestly needed one all the time. He's a great friend to have.

"I've missed you so much," he says as we stand there in a comfortable silence. I inhale, letting his scent fill my nostrils. I smiled, he always smelled good, always used the same cologne.

"I've missed you, too," I say. "We need to collab more. I love making videos with my best friend."

"As do I," he mumbles, a sigh cascading from his lips and brushing against my neck.


End file.
